Present & Joyful Motherhood: Why I chose it - and how it changed everything

Present and Joyful Motherhood: Why I Chose It — and How It Changed Everything

By Lacy J. Hardman

For eight years of my life, I pursued becoming a cardiovascular surgeon. I joined the military to help pay for medical school. While deployed to Afghanistan, I experienced things that shifted me deeply — including being shot at. Those moments forced me to confront what really mattered.

Three weeks into my pre-med semester at the University of Utah, I made a decision that shocked almost everyone around me: I dropped my pre-med courses.

The man I was dating at the time thought I was crazy.

But I knew with absolute clarity what I wanted.

I wanted to be a present and joyful mother.

When “Being There” Isn’t the Same as Being Present

After leaving the Army, I became a mom of two and built a successful real estate career. On paper, it looked ideal. I was home with my children most of the time.

But I wasn’t truly present.And I certainly wasn’t joyful.

Modern neuroscience confirms what many mothers feel intuitively: children don’t just need proximity — they need attuned connection.

Research on secure attachment (Bowlby, Ainsworth, and decades of follow-up studies) shows that when children experience consistent emotional connection with a caregiver, their brains develop stronger pathways for:

• Emotional regulation

• Confidence and resilience

• Empathy and social skills

• Executive functioning

• Stress tolerance

• Identity formation

In contrast, chronic disconnection — even in loving homes — can elevate stress hormones like cortisol, making children more reactive and less able to access their highest capacities.

Presence is not a luxury.It is a biological requirement.

The Wake-Up Call

My turning point came when my son was the target of bullying in his second-grade class. Watching him struggle shook me awake.

I began homeschooling, and suddenly my normal work rhythm no longer fit our lives. I had to choose again: continue operating on autopilot, or build a life aligned with my original vision of present and joyful motherhood.

I chose to pivot.

What We Changed (and Why It Works)

Over time, I redesigned our days around connection first, productivity second.

Here are some of the practices that transformed our home:

🌅 Work Before They Wake

I handle essential work early so my best energy belongs to my children, not my inbox.

🧩 Meaningful Engagement Before Screens

If I must work while they are awake, I set up something enriching first — creativity, building, outdoor play — so they don’t default to passive consumption.

🛠️ Let Them Participate in Real Life

I invite them into work they can help with or observe. Historically, children learned through participation — farming, building, trading, caring for animals. This builds competence and belonging.

🏕️ Build a Life They Can Belong To

I intentionally created Swell Retreat so my children could grow alongside something meaningful, not orbit around adult busyness.

🤝 Connection Before Direction

I used to wake them up barking orders for school. Now we connect first — eye contact, affection, conversation.

Neuroscience shows that children cooperate far more readily when their nervous systems feel safe and seen.

🧠 “Brain Train”

After morning connection, they spend time imagining and planning the kind of life they want. This strengthens executive function and intrinsic motivation.

✨ Spiritual Nourishment

We watch a short spiritual video and talk about meaning, identity, and purpose. A sense of purpose is one of the strongest predictors of long-term well-being.

🥞 Shared Meals

Breakfast together anchors the day.

🎯 Child-Led Priorities

Each child voices what they hope to experience that day:

• Zane: hunting, sports, outdoor skills

• Brielle: imaginative play, animals, creativity

Autonomy is a core psychological need (Self-Determination Theory). When children feel agency, motivation becomes internal rather than forced.

📚 Focused Learning

We do about an hour of formal school, sometimes more depending on the topic.

📱 Technology with Agency

I’m still learning boundaries here. My goal isn’t control — it’s teaching wise use. One day they will navigate the world without me.

🌱 Whole-Life Skills

We learn about nutrition, money, spirituality, identity, purpose, and character — the pillars of a flourishing life.

🏔️ Weekly Adventure Day

No agenda. Just exploration, laughter, and wonder in nature.

Research consistently shows that unstructured outdoor play improves creativity, attention, mood, and resilience — while strengthening family bonds.

Why Connection Changes Everything

Secure attachment doesn’t make children dependent.

It makes them brave.

Children who feel deeply connected at home are more willing to explore the world because they carry an internal sense of safety with them. Psychologists call this a “secure base.”

Connection literally shapes the brain:

• Strengthens the prefrontal cortex (decision-making)

• Reduces chronic stress responses

• Improves learning capacity

• Builds empathy and social intelligence

• Increases long-term life satisfaction

In short, connection helps children become their best selves.

The Result: A Home Full of Life

Our home now has more laughter, more peace, and more spontaneous joy.

We still aren’t perfect.We’re still learning. But the shift has been profound.

This life — this connection — feels like the dream I wanted all along.

Present and joyful motherhood isn’t about doing everything right.

It’s about choosing, again and again, to be there in the ways that matter most.

And from that foundation, everything else grows. Cheers to Motherhood!

Create a Live So Swell life!

Create connections & memories at Swell Retreat that last forever!

Much Love, Lacy